Looking Up

We had our 20 week ultrasound this week. Little boy is measuring ahead of schedule by 6 days. So they SHOULD change my due date to March 3rd, but they’re not going to. Lame. But I’m grateful that everything looks good. He’s moving a lot and I can feel him kicking, which does wonders for my anxiety about miscarriage… any time I start to worry, I just drink some juice and he starts kicking me and I can relax. πŸ™‚

Morning sickness is still hanging on. But I think it’s more of a “normal” morning sickness, rather than my usual death and hell morning sickness. I’m hoping it will be gone entirely within about a month. It’s slowly resolving. I’m trying to get back into the swing of things and start doing things again. I have to take it slowly or else I’m extra sick the next day. But it’s still a relief to be able to function and feel a bit normal.

And my belly is nice and plump. πŸ™‚ I love that! I always feel so cute with a big pregnant belly. I don’t know why, I know I lot of women feel extra fat… but I just love it!!!

And last thing… I ran across this quote recently and it totally took my breath away. Best quote on forgiveness that I’ve ever read.

β€œHow will we get back what we lost if we simply forgive? How can this be fair? In most cases, and certainly in the case of serious wrongdoing, those who have injured or robbed us are not in a position to restore what they have taken. They cannot make full restitution for our lost peace of mind, self-esteem, or sense of well-being. They cannot give us back lost trust, hope, or safety. They cannot restore our lost options or heal our worldview. So if the people who hurt us cannot restore these things to us, how can we ever get back what we lost?

As we grant mercy, we gain the right to reclaim our lost blessings from Jesus Christ himself. When we forgive others, Christ assumes their debt to us, and we can then look to him for the healing, peace, security, hope, trust, well-being, and self-image he alone can restore. He is willing to take this debt if we are willing to release the original debtor to him to deal with on his terms and with his infinite wisdom and perspective on all the factors involved in their choices. We allow Jesus to deal as he sees fit with those who owed us, for now the debt is between him and them alone. We get out of the middle.

Seen in this light, forgiving others their debts is not simply pretending nobody owes us, which would not be just. It is rather a process of turning to Christ for the things we have lost, rather than turning to those who cannot restore our losses anyway.”

– Dr. Wendy Ulrich

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It’s a BOY!!!

We are naming him Oliver. He was pretty stubborn and didn’t want us to know his gender. They had to really work on him to get him to move. We took the kids to the ultrasound. They loved seeing him move. He even looked like he was waving at them once, and that made the kids almost scream with excitement. LOL. Our little boy (8yrs) is really ecstatic to have a baby brother. But our little girl (4yrs) is beyond devastated. She started crying as soon as the ultrasound tech said, “It’s a boy!” Immediate tears, turning quickly into full sobs. It was so sad, and cute. I’m sure she’ll get used to the idea and will love him anyway, because she loves all babies… but right now she just keeps saying, “I don’t like babies if they’re boys.” LOL. Poor thing. She’s already convinced that I will get pregnant again right away and have a girl so she can have a sister. Well, she can dream. I’d love it… and I hate that my kids have to learn about the disappointment of infertility and loss at such an early age, so I didn’t burst her bubble. Β It’s giving her something to keep her happy for now anyway. πŸ™‚

A bit Better

Sorry the last post was pretty grumpy. I think I’m on the upswing for morning sickness. I mean, it’s still definitely there, but I’m not just flat on the couch all day and all night for fear of puking. I’m actually trying to function a little bit. So that’s good. Although I now have a monster head/chest cold and it’s killing me. But overall, I’m in much better spirits to be pretty much done with the puking, even if the nausea is hanging around. I’d rather cough than puke, really I’d rather do neither, but I’ll take a cold over puking any day.

So I’m 15 weeks today, and next Tuesday we will find out the gender… hopefully! Β My doctor says for sure they will find it, but I know it’s not a for sure if the baby doesn’t cooperate. πŸ™‚ I really need to have this ultrasound to make it feel real… at least I’m hoping it will make the pregnancy feel real. I’m still sort of in shock and having a hard time believing this is really real. I’ve felt a few squirming movements, but not a ton. I think between starting to feel the baby moving around more frequently, and having a good long ultrasound, hopefully I’ll finally feel like I’m actually pregnant instead of just sick and miserable. LOL. I know that sounds crazy, but I just can’t wrap my head around it yet. I’m grateful and I want this baby. It’s just that I’ve had too much loss, and I think my brain is trying to protect me from anymore. I really don’t “think” or “feel” like I’m pregnant. It just isn’t real. I don’t even know how to put it. I’ve never felt this way before.

Both of my other successful pregnancies, I was on cloud 9 the whole time. I felt like I was carrying around a miraculous secret and I’d smile to myself and pat my little belly and feel so at peace with everything. This time I just feel so disconnected, like someone’s trying to trick me into believing it when I know it’s not real. I try to feel connected, try to pat my belly, try to imagine having a baby… and it just seems like a book I’m reading, just a really nice fantasy that can’t ever come true.

I knew the last loss was really hard on me, but I guess I didn’t realize how much it devastated me. I guess I’m still trying to recover. I feel guilty that I’m not “connected” to this pregnancy, like it will somehow make the baby feel less loved. But I know when I have that baby in my arms, the love will be there… it’s just that I can’t make myself believe I’ll really have a baby in my arms at the end of this. And I know that’s crazy. I’m well past the danger point for me. All of my other losses have been early 1st trimester losses. So I “should” relax and just enjoy this. I’m trying…

Complaining and Timeline

Okay, I’m just here to complain for a bit. I’m sorry. I know I should just be ecstatic all the time and enjoying all of this, but I am about to break from the strain.

I’m 14 weeks now, and I’ve lost 35 pounds to morning sickness. I can’t eat, if I do I puke. And if by some miracle I can keep anything down, I immediately (TMI) have horrendous diarrhea, so I lose it no matter what. I’m too weak to stand or sit up for long or do much. I swear my other pregnancies weren’t this difficult. I have a near constant headache, and my hips are already causing me a lot of pain when I try to lie down or relax.

I saw the doctor this week and he threatened to send me to the hospital if I can’t turn the weight loss around, but honestly, what does he think I can do about it? I’m already trying. It’s not like I enjoy puking. Also what is up with puking so hard that you pee your pants? Anyone? LOL. Seriously with this.

And really, I think I could handle all of this much better, but it just really doesn’t feel real yet. I just can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I’m pregnant. I’m trying to, I’m trying to be hopeful and think of all the good things that can happen. But I dream almost every night about the baby dying. I hold my breath at every appointment, just waiting for them to tell me there isn’t a heartbeat anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I want this baby!!! So much, too much. But I just can’t really believe it’s going to happen. I’m still waiting for something awful to happen. And I’m trying to get over it, but I just can’t really get there. Starting to wonder if I have ptsd or something. LOL. Seriously, I could handle the crap of the pregnancy if I really felt I were getting a baby out of it… but it’s just too much for me to believe right now.

I’ve gotten a bit better. I can eat one thing consistently… steak. Yep. I’m always craving steak and I can always eat it and keep it down… but that’s pretty expensive and inconvenient. So, no idea what to do. I can’t just eat steak 3 times a day. But I also can’t go on losing weight like this or he’ll stick me in the hospital. Anyway, I’m just feeling really defeated and sorry for myself. I need to get over it.

And just for future reference, here’s my timeline…

1dpo started nausea, which continued until… well it’s still here. It never went away, just got worse.

About 12dpo I started spotting daily. Not tons, but consistent.

About 14dpo I had extreme back and pelvic girdle pain, to the point where I couldn’t walk or sit. That continued for several days.

About 17dpo the extreme pain morphed into a great deal of discomfort, but something that could be handled by ibuprofen. I didn’t take any ibuprofen because I hadn’t had AF yet, but it would’ve been enough to tackle that amount of pain/discomfort.

About 21 dpo, I got an unexpected BFP when I decided to test to make sure I was safe to take ibuprofen for the pain. Same day doc appointment found the heartbeat, although it was a little slow. Measured 5 weeks 5 days. I think the spotting stopped just before this? Maybe 19 or 20 dpo? I can’t remember for sure.

Real Quick

I’m sorry, I’ve disappeared for a while. I have been reading blogs, but I can’t comment because I can only check them on my phone. My computer is fine, but I can’t sit up for more than 3 or 4 minutes without puking. So I’m just getting on really quick to say sorry, and I’m still here, but I’m too sick to do anything about it. LOL. Down just over 20 pounds so far. Not so good. But at least I’m plenty chubby so there’s still more “food storage” for the baby, even when I can’t eat a dang thing. 11 weeks on Wednesday. Hoping the morning sickness lightens up a little bit soon…

First Week of School

So we started homeschool this week, a whole month earlier than originally planned but this way we can take a full month off when the baby arrives. I have to be honest, none of us wanted to start yet and it was freaking brutal. Morning sickness does not make me patient and kind, I mean I try not to be a nasty witch but it is so hard to be as patient as I need to be when I am dizzy and trying not to puke. Thankfully my son is in 3rd grade now and pretty independent on the lessons once I, you know give the lesson and set him to work on his own. Then I go lie down on the couch and help the 4 year old try to form her letters and do her pre-school workbooks. Get up and check his work, and get him going on the next subject. It’s not too bad really, but it was really hard to get going.

I have found that in order to be able to even function at all, I must take the prescription anti-nausea the doc gave me. I hate that. It gives me headaches and makes me feel weird. But without it, I actually can’t stand or sit long enough to do school, so I’m stuck taking it for now. Tired of having a headache. I’m still very nauseated even after taking the meds, but they do take the edge off just enough to sort of function. However, my house is a wreck, my laundry is piled up way too high, my garden is probably all the way dead, and my family is living off of fast food and cold cereal. I feel badly about it, but I’m also totally aware that I can’t do much more than I’m doing. This has been a really tough pregnancy so far, either that or I’m just freaking old and becoming a pansy, but I swear it wasn’t quite this hard in the past.

In addition to starting early, we’re also doing extra work during this first part of the school year. For instance, I was taking Fridays off for English composition and grammar… but now adding Fridays back in, that means we’ll be almost all the way through with it by the time the baby is here. Same with other subjects. Work hard now and try to get through as much of it as possible so that when we come back from our month off for baby, we have less to do than we normally would. I’m telling you that a month off after a c-section isn’t much. LOL. So I’m trying to make it as easy and light as possible. If we stick to the new schedule, we’ll be done with history, literature, and science just in time for baby… with only a week left of English comp/grammar when we return a month later, plus full spelling, math, religious studies for the remaining few weeks of school. That’s about half days. I think I can handle it… I hope. πŸ™‚

I didn’t see the doctor this week. He thinks I’m okay to go to every 2 weeks for appointments. That makes me happy because it means he’s more confident in this pregnancy being viable than he was before. All good things! I see him again next week, and I’m anxious to hear the heartbeat again… you know it’s just so reassuring. I can’t wait until I can feel baby movements, then I can relax a little. When I get worried or stressed about it, I can drink some OJ and lie down to wait for the crazy kicks to start. πŸ™‚ I love feeling baby kicks and I can’t wait!!!

We had to announce the pregnancy on facebook. We normally wouldn’t have done it until 12 weeks, but our kids were telling everyone anyway, so about half of our friends already knew. It’s a little nerve racking to announce this early, but it was time. I’m just over 9 weeks now, and the heartbeat and everything look great, so I hope everything turns out. I’ve lost just over 10 pounds to morning sickness so far, but I put on my baggy jeans the other day to run to the store, and they’re too tight already! I guess my tummy is growing pretty fast this time. I can’t wait to have a pregnant looking belly and not just a chubby looking belly. πŸ™‚