Yeah, so…

It’s been a while. I wasn’t sure if I would ever blog again actually. But at this point, I’m looking for someone to talk to, and I don’t want to go to therapy. Mainly I just need to say it out loud… I’ve just finished having my second miscarriage of this year.

Yes, I just had a baby in March. But because of my history with infertility, we never try “not to” get pregnant. I mean we haven’t been trying to get pregnant either, just sort of , whatever because honestly, what are the chances, right? Yeah, well end of June got pregnant, and lost it within a week of finding out. I was sad, but I was “okay.” I mean, I wasn’t ready for another baby. I mean, I’d take another baby any time… I can’t be picky!!! I’d love some time in between them, but if it means missing out on a baby, then I’ll choose extra sleepless nights any day. But it was really mixed emotions. I was sad, but I was also slightly relieved, they would’ve been almost exactly a year apart.

But it brought up thoughts and feelings that I thought I would at least not have to worry about for a while. And I tried to ignore all of it. And then I got pregnant again, and again lost it at about 5 weeks along. I’m almost done bleeding. So, yeah.

I don’t think I’m depressed. I am definitely in a funk. I am tired and emotional and confused and just generally not “fun to be around” right now. I’m trying to shake it. None of it feels real, and yet it is always there pressing down on me.

I have some good friends, but I just don’t want to talk about it because it’s hard to explain and I don’t know exactly how I feel about it or what I want or what would make me feel better. So mainly I want to stay in bed and read… but I can’t because I have 3 amazing, miraculous children whom I homeschool. So, relaxing and staying in bed is a fantasy. But still, if I thought I could do “something,” that’s what I’d choose.

Maybe some extra sleep, some extra chocolate, and wait for my hormones to even out again… maybe then I’ll be able to figure it all out.

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