Obligatory Psychosis

Am I the only woman who goes completely bat crap crazy during the 9th month of pregnancy? It can’t just be me.

Listen, I deal with infertility and loss, so being pregnant is the most cherished and wonderful time ever. I love being pregnant! I try to enjoy every minute of it, and I feel like I will NEVER get tired of it. 6 months of morning sickness sucks, but I feel grateful and happy inside because it means things are going well. When it leaves I have 2 months of pure bliss! Feeling the baby move with minimal other symptoms, and I feel like I could be pregnant forever and just enjoy it… and then one magical day my will breaks and I go completely freaking nuts.

We are talking weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth here. Suddenly I feel like if I don’t go into labor, like yesterday!!!, then I will lose my ever loving mind and perhaps commit some felony or maybe run screaming and crying from the room, for sure I’ll lose all my friends if I go out in public because I can feel the crazy rising inside me and nobody should have to put up with this level of hormones in someone else. What I’d really like to do is stay in bed for the rest of the pregnancy and just hide from the world, hide from all the drama, hide from everyone, and hide from all the normal grind of just surviving.

I think it hits when I get to the point of discomfort that I can only manage about an hour of sleep at a time. The constant lack of sleep and the painful hips, pelvis, and previously broken (and now throbbing) tailbone… they combine and mount up on me, and I feel like if I can’t find relief from them I might explode… or cry a lot. Maybe scream at an innocent bystander.

I was sobbing (literally) to my husband about it this week, and he said encouragingly “but you’re ALMOST there, you can make it!” Bless his heart. I almost stabbed him. “YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL!” *sigh* Oh the poor man. Now he just smiles sympathetically and nods, every once in a while he’ll dare to say, “I’m sorry it’s so hard.” I can’t say I blame him. I am a complete mess and totally crazy.  Just yesterday I went to the grocery store, and had to sit in the car for a full 10 minutes before going in because I started crying my eyes out *for NO reason whatsoever*… I just couldn’t help it. Bad, ugly cry, with heaving breaths… no warning, no reason, no idea… just crazy.

37 weeks down. Just under 3 weeks to go… hopefully sooner if I go into labor… PLEASE let it be sooner!… But 3 weeks… I can make it 3 weeks… right? C-section scheduled for March 2nd, so for sure by then. I’d ask you to pray for me, but honestly the people who have to deal with me are more in need of your prayers at this time. Please protect them and help them to forgive and forget the psycho…

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One thought on “Obligatory Psychosis

  1. You are so close! Yes I lost my mind the last few weeks of this last pregnancy. I think back and think surely it couldn’t have been that bad, right? Ha! But I guess it was. Ugh, those hormones are crazy things! Hope the next weeks pass quickly and I can’t wait to “meet” your little guy!

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