Sorry the last post was pretty grumpy. I think I’m on the upswing for morning sickness. I mean, it’s still definitely there, but I’m not just flat on the couch all day and all night for fear of puking. I’m actually trying to function a little bit. So that’s good. Although I now have a monster head/chest cold and it’s killing me. But overall, I’m in much better spirits to be pretty much done with the puking, even if the nausea is hanging around. I’d rather cough than puke, really I’d rather do neither, but I’ll take a cold over puking any day.
So I’m 15 weeks today, and next Tuesday we will find out the gender… hopefully! My doctor says for sure they will find it, but I know it’s not a for sure if the baby doesn’t cooperate. 🙂 I really need to have this ultrasound to make it feel real… at least I’m hoping it will make the pregnancy feel real. I’m still sort of in shock and having a hard time believing this is really real. I’ve felt a few squirming movements, but not a ton. I think between starting to feel the baby moving around more frequently, and having a good long ultrasound, hopefully I’ll finally feel like I’m actually pregnant instead of just sick and miserable. LOL. I know that sounds crazy, but I just can’t wrap my head around it yet. I’m grateful and I want this baby. It’s just that I’ve had too much loss, and I think my brain is trying to protect me from anymore. I really don’t “think” or “feel” like I’m pregnant. It just isn’t real. I don’t even know how to put it. I’ve never felt this way before.
Both of my other successful pregnancies, I was on cloud 9 the whole time. I felt like I was carrying around a miraculous secret and I’d smile to myself and pat my little belly and feel so at peace with everything. This time I just feel so disconnected, like someone’s trying to trick me into believing it when I know it’s not real. I try to feel connected, try to pat my belly, try to imagine having a baby… and it just seems like a book I’m reading, just a really nice fantasy that can’t ever come true.
I knew the last loss was really hard on me, but I guess I didn’t realize how much it devastated me. I guess I’m still trying to recover. I feel guilty that I’m not “connected” to this pregnancy, like it will somehow make the baby feel less loved. But I know when I have that baby in my arms, the love will be there… it’s just that I can’t make myself believe I’ll really have a baby in my arms at the end of this. And I know that’s crazy. I’m well past the danger point for me. All of my other losses have been early 1st trimester losses. So I “should” relax and just enjoy this. I’m trying…