Well my computer kept crashing… multiple times a day… and it finally died all the way. Good riddance! LOL. The thing was super old, and my husband who works in computers said it wasn’t worth fixing… so I just waited for it to die. It finally did and now I have a new computer. 🙂 Well, new to me. It’s actually used… but like I said, my husband works in computers, so it’s the best option for us. Anyway, that’s why I’ve been gone for so long… again.
You know sometimes you’re okay with all this infertility mess. Like I can hold up so well for so long, act normal and feel normal… and all it takes is just one thing happening on the wrong day and it all comes crashing down. Today it’s the birth of a baby. There’s this cute, sweet, amazing young lady. She grew up in my neighborhood. I’m friends with her mom. She’s really an amazing girl. But in my mind she’s still like 12, maybe 16. Which is weird because in real life she’s really in her mid-twenties. LOL. She’s married, she’s gone to college… but to me she’s still a teenager. So she just had her first child yesterday. A little baby girl. And she had a natural birth. And she’s skinny and healthy and young and fertile.
I am happy for her. Really and truly I am. She will be a fantastic mother and I would wish my trials on anyone else. But for some reason, this one just hit me so hard. Everything I want. Skinny, healthy, young, fertile, with a new baby. I’m happy for her. I’m just sad for me. Even when I was skinny and young, I was never healthy and I was never fertile. And the older I get, the more all of those factors get worse and worse. Fatter, more unhealthy, older, less fertile. I do try, it’s just that nothing really works and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve done so many things. Elimination diets, medications, herbal supplements, drastic diet changes, exercise, seen countless specialists… I’m just sort of out of steam and wondering if anything will ever work, or ever make a noticeable difference. I did the whole no sugar, no grain, no anything good type of diet for about 6 months… and it was good, but it was part of an elimination diet. We figured out what I needed to eliminate permanently, it helped my health tremendously. And I was able to add most everything else back in without negative effect. So I don’t see how doing it again would really benefit me. Also I’m not sure that’s a healthy way to eat long term. I’m LDS, and part of our religion that everyone knows about is that we don’t drink alcohol or coffee, but what people don’t realize a lot of times is that it also includes sort of a diet model… the #1 part of that is that “wheat is for man.” So it’s a religious thing for me, I honestly believe that God knows what’s best for our bodies and that He says to eat wheat. (Allergies are a different matter.) I do believe that means whole grains and not bleached out crap, but I just don’t feel right about cutting all grains from my diet. Wheat is for man, then lots of fresh vegetables in season, fruit and herbs with prudence, and meat sparingly. I try for that ideal. I fall short, but that’s my ideal. … But I definitely should drink more water and cut out the sugar as much as possible.
I’ve been working out more with my husband, trying to do some weight training. Holy crap, that stuff is hard! LOL. Even tiny little puny weights are killing me. Hoping it gets easier as I go along. Right now it’s just draining me of any energy that I do have. Still, I feel like it’s the “right” thing to do with exercise right now. Just get more muscle mass, more strength… I think that will help me in reaching my goals. My goals… I hardly dare look them square in the eye. I don’t know if they are even possible.