Dang

Well the adoption thing I talked about last time isn’t going to work out. There are some really complicated and messy issues involved, and legally it would be very difficult to get through. Basically we don’t think the mother will be willing to ever actually sign over custody to allow a full adoption… she wants to keep her rights but not the child. It’s complicated, and awful, and I feel for the sweet little boy caught in the middle.

I’m sad about it, but mainly for him. I’m sad thinking about what his life is probably going to be because of her decisions…. But for me… I’m actually kind of relieved. Is that awful? It makes me feel like a bad person for admitting it. It’s not that I don’t want to adopt, because I really would like to… it’s just that it was so soon, and so much pressure, and so much NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW. I mean, I hadn’t even had my first period since my most recent miscarriage. We hadn’t even decided whether we would keep TTC, start looking seriously at adoption, or just give up entirely… we hadn’t even had that conversation yet… and all of the sudden we’re in the middle of a potential adoption situation that was all messy and high pressure with strings attached, plus some extra family drama for fun. Just mentally and emotionally for me it was too soon… I felt like I was grieving one day and trying to decide how to move on… and the next day I didn’t have time (or the right) to grieve anymore because I needed to get that child out of that situation immediately. And while I would have given him a much better home than what he will probably end up with… it wouldn’t have been the best home I could give, if that makes sense. I wouldn’t have been at my best. I think with a little more time and healing, and a little preparation and intentional working toward adoption… it would be a completely different scenario.

I think even my body knew it was just too much for me to handle. I was expecting my period and it never came… which isn’t that unusual for me with pcos… but I knew it was late. And then the day after we knew that this adoption wasn’t going to go anywhere, it came on with full vigor… like my body was holding its breath to see if it could continue its healing process. I still pray for this little boy and hope things work out… and change for him, because nobody will be able to do anything substantial for him until it’s less messy with fewer strings. And he deserves so much more. But for me and my family and my body… I’m happy to just sink back into the comfort of regular life and finishing grieving. We will make decisions about “what’s next” for us once we’ve had some time to think and to heal.

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One thought on “Dang

  1. I’m sorry it wasn’t the right adoption situation for your family but I will admit I’m also relieved for you. While you would have risen to the occasion and been an excellent parent to this sweet boy, it sounds like it would’ve involved a lot of heart ache and hard work to make it work. Prayers that the coming months will bring clarity and peace for all of you

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