Okay. I have totally fallen off the grid for a while. I am really struggling, and for the last week or so I’ve actually been spiraling down pretty fast.
I don’t think it’s just about this miscarriage. I mean, I’m sad about that, but not devastated and inconsolable. It’s almost like it was the straw that broke the camel’s back… not that it was small and light like a piece of straw, more like a ton of bricks… and not that I’m a camel… I mean I should at least afford myself more dignity than that… perhaps a mermaid or a unicorn… so it was the ton of bricks that broke the mermicorn’s back. LOL. Anyway, you get the idea… maybe.
I guess really it was just the trigger for depression. I’ve struggled with depression previously, so I recognize it… although it is different this time, so I’m a bit confused. The depression isn’t just about the miscarriage, but it is definitely part of it. the thing is, I think I’m okay most of the time… just extra tired and less likely to do the dishes. But when I have to interact with people, online or in real life, I sort of go crazy. I can start crying at any moment, for any reason… or really for no reason at all. And then I feel so stupid that I’m standing there crying in front of everyone, for apparently no reason at all, that I start to cry even harder and can’t make it stop. I feel so stupid and vulnerable that I just want to run away and hide, and wipe their memories clean of all my craziness.
Or, I feel like I’m going to start crying so I try EXTRA hard to be cheerful and “fun.” Which only results in my acting like a fool, having people look at me like I’m irritating and crazy, and then wanting to run away and cry anyway.
Or, last scenario, I decide to bottle it all up and just “stay in the background” where I either start crying anyway, or I start getting irrationally angry at everyone for absolutely no reason… then the first person unlucky enough to approach me either gets a sob-fest or their head chewed off… either way it’s like emotional vomit, all over them. And it ends, as in all other options, with me feeling awful about myself, and wanting to run away and cry in shame. LOL.
At this point, I’m not sure what it is… is it normal grieving, mixed with crazy amounts of fertility drugs and pregnancy hormones and my body just trying to sort things back out and figure out what “normal” is again? Is it actual, real depression and I need to get on something like pr.oz.ac to get through it? Or am I just heading for a total nervous breakdown?
Anyway, that’s why I’ve sort of disappeared… you really don’t want to be around me right now… I’ll suck the life right out of you. Like a dementor… a mermaid-unicorn-dementor … is there a medication for that? 🙂
My plan for now is to try and get a little more sleep, be very faithful about taking my thyroid meds, extra water, start exercising again, and then just see how it goes. I’m hoping to find a way out of this funk quickly, but if I don’t I’ll probably go and get some meds for depression. The kicker is that I do feel fine and almost normal when I’m just at home with my family… perhaps a touch irritable/impatient… So maybe all I need to do is become a total hermit until I feel strong enough to face the world again.