No growth in the egg sac at all. And it’s completely empty. There is absolutely no sign of a fetus anywhere. He’s calling it an afetal (without fetus) pregnancy. Basically I’m pregnant without a baby… just an egg sac. Nice. I guess it happens a lot more with women who are older, and has a lot to do with egg quality. So my eggs are officially expiring… which we kind of guessed, but it still sucks to have it confirmed… especially so brutally.

The doctor is recommending a d&c. If I wait to miscarry on my own then it could easily take 3 or 4 months because of all the progesterone I’ve been on. It isn’t exactly safe to let all of that sit in there and basically fester for that long. But I just can’t bring myself to schedule yet. It feels like taking this into my own hands. I don’t want to make decisions about this. I just want it to happen on its own.

My last miscarriage I had a d&c, and it was fine really. But it was really traumatic to just wake up and be told it was over. Like I needed the closure of having it happen. Also I was left with lingering doubts… ridiculous doubts that are obviously crazy and untrue… but which haunt me periodically… Was I really really sure it was over? Could there have possibly been the tiniest chance that the baby could have survived? And those are crazy obsessive thoughts… I know it was over. There was a heartbeat… and then there wasn’t a heartbeat. Pretty clear… but it still bothers me. I don’t want to sign up for years more of regrets and second guessing.

But waiting for it to happen on its own this time could be dangerous and could lead to infection. I don’t need that. And if it takes 4 months to miscarry… and then after a miscarriage you have to wait 3-4 months before you start trying to conceive again (or you’re very likely to miscarry again)… that’s about 8 months before I can move on. That’s torture.

So I’ll probably just suck it up and do the d&c… but I don’t like it. I don’t like any of it to be honest. But the only way out is through. Put your head down and get through it. Hopefully I will see a light at the end of the tunnel eventually.


4 thoughts on “Nope

  1. My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry you and your family have to go through this. You need to take care of you now, you have gone through a lot. Praying for your healing.

  2. I’m so so sorry to hear this. You’re in my prayers, that Heavenly Father will comfort and guide you through the tough decisions you have to face, and through this trial.

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