So I took one day to cry last week, and then I decided it was better to hope. I know they told me not to hope, but I honestly can’t help it.
I know that tomorrow’s ultrasound is just to make sure it’s really not viable, and is “only a formality”… but the fact is, if there were honestly zero hope left, then they wouldn’t be doing it at all… right? I know that the hope which is left is so miniscule, so tiny, so impossible that it only barely registers above zero… but it’s all I have. I have to hold onto that until they take it away. Plus I suddenly have all the pregnancy symptoms that have been missing. You know, you worry things aren’t going right when you aren’t nauseated, dizzy, etc… well all of the sudden those symptoms showed up, mere hours after they told me there was no heartbeat. That’s either a sign that I should still hope, or a cruel joke. LOL.
I guess I think that feeling pain now won’t make the pain be any less if/when it arrives tomorrow, and feeling hope now won’t make the despair any less dark when/if it’s taken away tomorrow. Right now I get to choose how I feel and what I believe, and it’s much more pleasant to hope than it is to despair. I feel like that moment in Lord of the Rin.gs… the books… when Sam is standing in front of the Black Gate it says something like “there had never been much hope, but being a cheerful hobbit he didn’t need hope, as long as despair could be delayed.” Yeah, I guess that’s me right now.
So I’ve been successfully delaying my despair for almost a week. And this morning I woke up at 5am in a cold sweat, and I swear I could hear deep rolling booms… as the footsteps of doom. LOL. It was like each heart beat weighed a hundred pounds, and I could feel the moment of despair getting closer with each beat. Totally drama queen, so I shook myself mentally and went back to sleep.
I honestly have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow. I know that almost certainly I will leave there sobbing and full of despair. But it is not certain, and I still hope for joy and a miracle. Either way, life will go on. We will find a way to cope and to push through, and keep going.
Crossing my fingers and trying not to be so nervous!