Back In the Running

Oh my, what a roller coaster. So 2 days ago, my bloodwork looked bad enough for us to start preparing mentally and emotionally for “the worst.” We looked into options for ectopic and cried a lot. We told our families that it was essentially over. Today’s bloodwork was supposed to be just to confirm that there was, in fact, no hope left.

But today, my hcg more than doubled. From 95.1 clear up to 218! So we are back to hoping that “maybe” this could still happen. At the same time, knowing full well that not all is as it “should be.” Not that something is necessarily wrong. Everything could be 100% right and good. Just that, there’s still a possibility of everything falling apart at any second. I don’t know how I feel. I started shaking all over when I got the news. I don’t know if I should laugh or cry, feel hope or despair or worry… mostly I’m numb and lost… but I can breathe much more easily now. The weight on my chest, now that it’s lifted a bit, felt like an actual weight. Still very anxious and many prayers, but there’s hope again. 

On Monday they will take more blood. Check my levels, if they double again then that’s a good sign. If they don’t then it’s more likely ectopic… but I don’t think anything will be definitive at this point. Not until the baby is big enough to see on ultrasound. See where it’s implanted, and if it’s in a safe place and growing well. That could still be days away. 

Also on Monday, they are running some other blood panels… to make sure that I’m “safe” to take the emergency shot to end the pregnancy if I suddenly go ectopic… We’re getting to the nail biting time. Danger with ectopic grows every day that we wait. But how could I opt to give up on my baby if it still has a fighting chance. Just a chance of survival… that’s all I need. My biggest fear is if it’s ectopic, and if I suddenly rupture and can’t get to the ER in time… I can’t even bring myself to imagine dying and leaving my children to grow up without a mother. It literally tortures my thoughts and my dreams. Such a scary time, full of hope and anxiety, and emotions that I didn’t know existed. Just praying and hoping and trusting… And waiting. 

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