I apologize for the raw darkness of the last post. It was my reality at the time. Everyone experiences grief differently, and my anger stage, well it always turns inward and makes me hateful of myself. I wasn’t kidding when I said, “excuse me while I sink into self-loathing.” I don’t always hate myself, only when I’m working through the anger of grief.
So I’ve come out of it quite a bit… though I still cycle back occasionally. I had a really rough weekend, but I’m coming back out again. Making some progress… at least I’m making progress emotionally and spiritually… Recovering and normalizing there. Physically, with health and weight loss… yeah, not making any progress at all. I can’t keep up with the treadmill twice a day. It zapped me of all my energy. See, if you’re healthy then you build endurance by doing more… if you’re autoimmune then you don’t build any endurance ever… it’s more like a bank account… the energy you have needs to be budgeted, and when it’s gone then it’s gone… You can’t spend your way into wealth, and I can’t “spend” my energy into having an abundance of energy. So I’m scaling back, but still going steady. And the diet part is fine. A bit boring, but fine.
I am really doing okay. I just have to have the occasional mental/emotional breakdown. But all in all, I trust that God knows what He’s doing with my life. It will be okay. It hurts right now… it hurts a lot… but it won’t forever. Something good will come of it. God doesn’t cause every pile of manure to land in our lives… but He can make some mighty beautiful flowers grow in that fertilizer.