I think I’m okay. I mean, I’m depressed and angry and going through all the grief steps… but I think I’m okay. At least, as long as I’m just at home with just my family. LOL. Get me out into public, or to church on Mother’s Day… then not so much. And people wanting me to open up and talk to them about it, spill my guts, or give me trite words of advice/encouragement… I should be used to it after years of being single (I got married pretty late, and not on purpose)… and then years of infertility… I should really be used to invasive and insensitive people thinking they are helpful… and for a while I was pretty good at just letting it roll right off, like water on a duck’s back. But this is so new and painful… like a bad sunburn… so when people think they’re giving me a friendly pat on the back, it ends up being extremely painful… so for now, those insensitive pseudo-helpful people/comments… I am trying really hard not to poke them in the eye or scream, “You don’t have a F****ing clue!” Which isn’t exactly church appropriate. 🙂 Huh… maybe I’m not as “okay” as I think I am. LOL.
Anyway, moving forward… I’m not going to go full anorexia, not because it’s unhealthy but because I really don’t think I can do it. But I am going to start making some changes. Treadmill twice a day for 45 minutes, in the morning before the kids get up and during naptime. Lots of freaking water (blergh) and no soda or sugar (sad). No treats, no sugar, no refined stuff. More veggies and lean meats. Whole grains only, and only homemade bread with wheat that I grind myself out of real wheat. Fruit only sparingly. I’ve done more demanding diets before, so I think I can pull it off… at least I can if I get going strong on it before my self-loathing and anger seep away and are replaced by numbing lethargy and depression. Dieting is when you eat food that makes you sad. (LOL. Said the emotional eater…) And if I’m hating myself this much right now, and am full of anger… then it’s easy to punish myself for infertility by refusing to give myself those things which I actually enjoy. Not exactly a healthy mindset… but it gets the job done. And hopefully by the time I’m in a healthier place mentally, I will be past the initial hatred of the diet and exercise thing… so I won’t feel like I need punishment so much, and the diet/exercise won’t feel so much like punishment anymore. At least that’s how it works out in my twisted little brain right now. (“No chocolate for you, you fat infertile lady… eat a carrot stick and work out, and be sad. That’s what you get.”) Yep, I need therapy. But anyway, I hope it works.
Also I read some cheesy article in a trendy online magazine… you know, so totally reliable science here… and it said that in “studies” it has been “proven” that people who have “tried everything” to lose weight and failed are able to lose weight with a really high quality probiotic regimen. Totally me… I’ve even gone down to 500 calories a day before, and still not lost. Seriously, I have tried everything out there short of a real famine… nothing. Which is maybe why it feels so much like punishment to me… forcing myself endlessly to endure pointless deprivations that will never give me any results…. anyway this dubious article did make sense to me. I’ve read about “leaky gut” quite a bit. I have food sensitivities and allergies, autoimmune disease, and intestinal problems up the wazoo (no pun intended). It makes sense that they are linked. I’ve done probiotics for a long time, but they are recommending this super expensive high end one… so I ordered a month’s worth. We’ll see where it goes. Worth a shot anyway… I mean, as long as I’m trying, I may as well try everything.
Other things I’m doing to try and help… First thing in the morning, take my dessicated thyroid on an empty stomach. Treadmill. Then chug a large glass of lemon/master cleanse. (Not doing the full cleanse, just taking it in the morning on an empty stomach. Helps cleanse and helps energy. Juice from half a fresh lemon in luke warm water… you can add some cayenne and real maple syrup if you want, but I don’t do that.) Fifteen minutes later I’m drinking a cup of dandelion root tea (liver cleanse because I’m still retaining tons of water from taking that steroid, seriously with the pitted edema when you’re already feeling like a fat cow… a fat, infertile cow.) Then a protein shake… I’m supposed to have protein first thing in the morning because of my lowered adrenal function… but I’m allergic to eggs, nuts/seeds, and soy… so um, yeah a breakfast protein? Basically I just do a shake. Then try not to eat very much all day, drink water instead to keep my tummy feeling full. Oh yeah, and a full sized bowl full of fresh sprouts at least once a day… I’m sprouting my own sprouts… at least they aren’t totally disgusting… kind of like a freaky salad with no dressing, just eat it with a fork.
I know I’m not being healthy right now… emotionally or physically… but it’s just where I am. Eventually I’ll work my way through both aspects of this. Should I really hate and want to punish myself over being infertile… obviously not, but honestly that’s where I am. Should I use food as a reward or a punishment… clearly not, but that’s honestly where I am right now. The only way out is through… and the only way to get going is to acknowledge where you actually are at the moment. And where I am is not pretty. And the path ahead is not very pretty… but eventually hopefully it will get better.