Tomorrow I start the medication for my last fertility treatment cycle. If this one doesn’t work, then we are done for good. Sometimes I sit and cry, a hyperventilating ugly type of cry, as the possibility overwhelms me. Other times I can barely work up any emotion about it at all, complete lethargy. What’s the old saying? Depression is just anger without energy? LOL. Sounds about right.
I’m trying to be positive and hopeful, after all it really could work, but I’m also bracing for the worst. I’m planning my “what next” strategy in my head already. If we BFN, the only way I’ll be able to avoid complete and utter clinical depression is by having something to throw myself into immediately…. you know, distraction. Not to shove down my emotions, I’ll grieve and have an emotional breakdown or ten, but I need something else to hold onto and work toward so that I don’t get stuck in grief mode. Does that mean that I don’t have “enough faith” to make this last attempt actually work? I hope not. Though I have been told that already by well meaning family members…
So my next big “project” is my own health. Yeah, I know. Not a particularly fun one for me… but something I need to focus on anyway. Getting healthy and hopefully losing weight… which is another major stress in my life. I’ve tried literally every diet out there, including just “eating healthy and exercising.” My body just does not respond to it. So I gave up for a while and focused on getting a baby here before my ovaries shriveled up. But if we fail at that, then weight loss is the next “big thing” for me. And it feels like death. LOL. Maybe I view it as a punishment for “failing” to be a “real woman” and be able to have children. Whatever, it’s something I’ll have to get over.
But I wonder if I’ll ever get over TTC and infertility. I know we’d be done trying, and I want to be done hoping because that kind of hope just really hurts… but I can’t honestly imagine a life where I don’t constantly check the tissue for blood, or obsessively watch my CM for signs of fertility and not so sneakily try to “just happen to” BD a lot during that time, and then watch myself closely full of false hope for a potential miracle. It’s always a miracle. Life is a miracle. Both of my children were infertility miracles. And whether this cycle or later on, any future children would definitely be miracles. I believe in miracles. I’d love to laugh with Sarah and Abraham, joyful laughter. But I’ll also stand strong in the knowledge of “but if not” that God is still good and His will and His ways are higher than my own.
But if this is never going to happen… if we will never have anymore children… I’d like to just give up on it. Grieve for it and cry for a while… but let go and have peace. Stop checking the toilet tissue. Stop watching for fertility and early pregnancy symptoms. I want this to work… but if it’s never going to happen… I’d just like to know. I feel so torn. I don’t even know what to pray for anymore.
How do you pray with complete hope and faith for the righteous desires of your heart, while at the same time praying that if the answer is “no” that you won’t completely fall apart and die from the pain of it?