Torn

Tomorrow I start the medication for my last fertility treatment cycle. If this one doesn’t work, then we are done for good. Sometimes I sit and cry, a hyperventilating ugly type of cry, as the possibility overwhelms me. Other times I can barely work up any emotion about it at all, complete lethargy. What’s the old saying? Depression is just anger without energy? LOL. Sounds about right.

I’m trying to be positive and hopeful, after all it really could work, but I’m also bracing for the worst. I’m planning my “what next” strategy in my head already. If we BFN, the only way I’ll be able to avoid complete and utter clinical depression is by having something to throw myself into immediately…. you know, distraction. Not to shove down my emotions, I’ll grieve and have an emotional breakdown or ten, but I need something else to hold onto and work toward so that I don’t get stuck in grief mode. Does that mean that I don’t have “enough faith” to make this last attempt actually work? I hope not. Though I have been told that already by well meaning family members… 

So my next big “project” is my own health. Yeah, I know. Not a particularly fun one for me… but something I need to focus on anyway. Getting healthy and hopefully losing weight… which is another major stress in my life. I’ve tried literally every diet out there, including just “eating healthy and exercising.”  My body just does not respond to it. So I gave up for a while and focused on getting a baby here before my ovaries shriveled up. But if we fail at that, then weight loss is the next “big thing” for me. And it feels like death. LOL. Maybe I view it as a punishment for “failing” to be a “real woman” and be able to have children. Whatever, it’s something I’ll have to get over. 

But I wonder if I’ll ever get over TTC and infertility. I know we’d be done trying, and I want to be done hoping because that kind of hope just really hurts… but I can’t honestly imagine a life where I don’t constantly check the tissue for blood, or obsessively watch my CM for signs of fertility and not so sneakily try to “just happen to” BD a lot during that time, and then watch myself closely full of false hope for a potential miracle. It’s always a miracle. Life is a miracle. Both of my children were infertility miracles. And whether this cycle or later on, any future children would definitely be miracles.  I believe in miracles. I’d love to laugh with Sarah and Abraham, joyful laughter. But I’ll also stand strong in the knowledge of “but if not” that God is still good and His will and His ways are higher than my own.

But if this is never going to happen… if we will never have anymore children… I’d like to just give up on it. Grieve for it and cry for a while… but let go and have peace. Stop checking the toilet tissue. Stop watching for fertility and early pregnancy symptoms. I want this to work… but if it’s never going to happen… I’d just like to know. I feel so torn. I don’t even know what to pray for anymore.

How do you pray with complete hope and faith for the righteous desires of your heart, while at the same time praying that if the answer is “no” that you won’t completely fall apart and die from the pain of it?

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3 thoughts on “Torn

  1. I apologize for my lack of commenting on your past few posts. My heart hurts for you- I am so, so sorry this hasn’t gone the way you wanted. I’ll be praying for this final cycle- that it will work or that God will give you a peace if it’s not supposed to. Hugs, friend

  2. Prayers and internet hugs. This stuff is so tough. Even though my cycle has returned, it’s not regular. Hubster and I have talked about TTC #2 but we know we can’t handle the emotions of trying for 2-3 years like we did for our first, and if we can’t conceive within a certain time frame we are turning to adoption. I don’t think that your wariness is lack of faith – you know God can make this happen – it’s more an awareness that we don’t know God’s plans. It’s not like he send us emails! :). I think that focusing on your health is a great goal. I too have struggled with weight, and I found the best results when I turned to doctors at a weight loss center for help. I knew I wasn’t interested in surgery but their input and support really helped.

    Right now you’re still in the midst of TTC. Don’t worry toouch about how to let go. Time has a way of helping with those things, there is no instant “fix”. No matter what, be kind and gentle with yourself!

  3. I think the plan to redirect your energy to getting your health strengthened up is a good decision. I think there comes a point where the emotional trauma is too much to justify the outcome and that included trying for a baby. I hope and pray that this last medicated cycle will be the answer for you. Like the previous blogger said hold on until the end and then you go from there. Right now as hard as it is you have to stay positive and hold on to that hope. HUGs.

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