Deep Breaths

So I’m in the middle of this iui cycle. And remember, I didn’t get a break from the hormones from last cycle because AF started unceremoniously. So I’ve just been crazy for so long, and getting crazier. My poor family. My poor husband and kids, and all my friends, and even my poor body. I am struggling to remain calm or normal… or not completely psychotic. I mean, it’s not that bad, I’m not actually crazy… but it is really so hard. I hate complaining about it, because I feel so blessed to be able to even do it at all. But people, it is hard. Hard enough that I’m looking forward to the end of this cycle, whether or not it results in pregnancy, or even any follicles. Just let it be over. That’s awful and i don’t really mean it. I want it to work and whatever it takes will be worth it. But man oh man, how much we all need a break from daily shots of crazy to the stomach. I need some time to be a normal person, and my family needs time with me just being me. Time to laugh and play and relax. Time to just be. 

I’ve been reading a lot about infer.tility from a faith standpoint… and I have to say it’s making me calmer, but with a touch of melancholy. I understand that this might not happen. I know that I pray to change my will to His, and not to change His mind. I also know that some blessings won’t come unless you work and pray for them. So this is just now down to, what is the Lord’s will and let it be done. I’m doing my all, my very best, and now it’s just up to Him. And I think I can handle whatever the answer is. I mean, I will certainly cry either way. And not receiving more children would be tremendously difficult, and I would give myself time to grieve… but in the end, if that is what He wants, then it is what will be best. I am very peaceful about it… but still a little sad. I wonder what will happen for us. Because one way or the other, this will be the end of the road. Maybe not this exact cycle, but within the next few months. Either we will conceive, or we will stop. The doctor will only allow 3-4 treatments before he calls it off. I don’t know if that first one counts against us or not. So if this doesn’t work, we are done. We have asked for a family fast this weekend. I’m not sure if anyone knows what that is. Fasting is when you go without food/water for 24 hours while you focus on a specific need and prayer. So all of our families, and ourselves, are fasting this Saturday night/Sunday. Hoping for it to be successful, but also trying to accept His will, even if it is different from what I want. Then I have my first ultrasound the next day… and we’ll know more… 

I hope this cycle works. I really do. I am investing so much into it. Money, time, emotion, faith, hope… my whole being. But if it doesn’t, after I get done crying, I’m going to take a deep breath and feel relief that I can have 2 weeks without hormone injections or weird medicines. Two weeks to just live and be free, and enjoy my family. How much we need that little break. And then start over again? How many times? I just don’t know. But I am counting the days… counting the doses of medication… counting the injections… counting the emotional breakdowns and strange and awful side effects… counting down until this cycle is over. One way or the other at least this cycle will be over. 

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2 thoughts on “Deep Breaths

  1. Hang in there! I bet you’re holding it together better then you think. I honestly never knew how involved the IUI process was. Hoping for a positive outcome for you!

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