Okay, so I’m in hormonal hell over here. lol. I am just plain crazy the last few days. I can see myself from the inside, watching me be crazy like I’m watching a movie, but I feel like I don’t have any control over it. I’m not even on any of the crazy hormone medicines for fertility treatments yet. lol. This does not bode well for my state of mind over the next little while of treatments. Oy. So this might be a little long and winding… but I have a lot going on and no one to talk to about it.
And that might be a good place to start. I miss my husband. Desperately miss him. He is gone so much for work right now and it is very difficult for me to manage this alone. I feel so isolated and alone. I mean, I have amazing friends and my mom lives in the basement… but they have their own lives and really nobody can take the place of your husband. I am thankful for his job, I really am… but with the changes that have been happening there recently he’s been forced to work a lot of overtime. I mean a lot of overtime. Recently he’s been averaging 140 hours per 2 week pay period. That’s about 60 hours of overtime for 2 weeks… 30 overtime hours per week. Plus commute, lol. It leaves only time for him to sleep, and not always even enough time for that. And it’s been going on for months, and will likely continue for a few more months. I am struggling!!! So is he, and so are the kids… they miss their daddy so much and behaviors are creeping up. The 2 year old can’t sleep alone anymore and she cries at night about missing daddy. The 6 year old is desperate for attention from him as well. And my wonderful husband gives up any sleep he might get just to spend any time he can with the kids. It’s not much time, but he really makes an effort, really sacrifices, to make it happen anyway. But then he falls asleep instantly and is fast asleep before I’m done getting the kids in bed, and he’s gone before I wake up in the morning… he’s leaving here around 4:30am most of the time. He is stretched so thin, he’s barely making it… and I feel like a selfish whiner to say to him, “I’m glad you are spending time with the kids, but I haven’t been alone with you (or had a real conversation with you) in months.” I’m an adult and I can at least understand the “why” and the kids can’t… but really I need some time and attention too… but I just don’t know how that will happen. I have no time with him, no time for myself, no way to take a break or breathe or even take care of myself. Trying to be everything to everyone… be mommy and daddy for the kids and do my best to make up for his absence… and I’m failing. I just feel so alone. And I don’t have a car so I’m also house bound and totally isolated unless someone wants to come and visit me… and honestly I’m depressed enough that I wouldn’t go anywhere anyway. Blergh.
Most of the testing has come back for the new RE. They have a patient portal and it shows me the results of every test… whoever thought of that is freaking retarded! lol. Because I can see it all before the doctor can tell me about it, or what it means… so I go on and see the results and then go to Dr. Go.ogl.e to tell me what it means… and it never means anything good. 🙂 I know that’s the absolute WORST thing to do, but it’s like a sick addiction, I can’t stop myself! We have our follow up this coming Friday with the actual doctor, and hopefully he’ll tell me that everything I read about was crazy false and that we’re okay to move forward with the IUI.
AND…. I just started spotting! Seriously! Leave it to AF to screw everything up! 50+ day cycle and AF decides to get here just 4 days too early to be able to try any fertility treatment this month. A full month wasted over 4 days of bleeding. With the IUI you have to start meds and ultrasounds on CD3. I put in a call to the nurse, but she didn’t ever call me back. I left another message, we’ll see if she responds this time. But pretty much I think I’m stuck with missing out this cycle. Which shouldn’t be a big deal, but right now it seems like more than I can handle.
And topping off my list of complaints for today… because I had to have another hsg test this week I also had to have antibiotics… so I have a raging ye.ast infect.ion going on, and I’m having a hormonal crash as my AF is trying to show up, a big headache and cramps that always accompany AF for me… and for extra fun I’m having intestinal “distress” today in a big way… also courtesy of AF. Seriously, I’m only able to be out of the bathroom for a few minutes at a time. It’s killing me. I’m miserable and depressed and tired… and really really bitchy. And if you made it to the end of this post and are still reading and still want to be my friend, then you deserve a cookie. 🙂