So Unsure

I know I’m a bad blogger lately. I haven’t even been checking those few blogs that I normally really try to follow closely. I’m sorry! But I’m also so sick, I can barely handle it. I actually went home early from church this week, which didn’t even happen when I puked because I needed emergency gall bladder surgery. lol. I’ve been considering whether or not I might have pneumonia right now… I’m not sure. But anyway, that’s my excuse for being completely gone. And I’m not sure I’m back yet… but my husband dropped a huge bomb on me tonight and I don’t have “anyone else” to talk to about it, except my blog friends. For better or for worse, this is where I come to sort out my feelings. So here goes.

My husband works for a company who is being bought out in the next month. We’ve known for months. His job is reasonably secure with this new company. And the old company (which will no longer exist) had a stock option thing, and since they’re going away all the stocks will be cashed out. This boils down to the fact that we will be receiving a large chunk of money in the next couple of months. Not sure how taxes will play into it… not sure I want to know, because really, oy… But we’ve been talking about what we should do with the money and I thought we had decided on buying a few essentials and then saving the rest toward a down payment on a house.

But tonight on our way back from my in laws, my husband drops a bomb. “I’ve been thinking about that money… and I think maybe we should use it toward an adoption.”

I don’t even know what to do with that. But it feels like death. Honestly, when he said that tonight, the emotion I felt was very close to when the doctor told me I was having a miscarriage. Don’t ask me why. I know adoption is a wonderful thing… for other people. I know we’re infertile. I know the doctors say it’s “impossible” to have more children. (Even though we’ve had 2 “miracles” that were “impossible.”)  And I know I’m well beyond my peak fertility age (as if I was ever at peak fertility). But adoption? That’s like giving up. That’s like putting up a “no trespassing” sign on my uterus.

My husband disagrees. He even said maybe we’d get a baby through adoption and become that obnoxious miraculous couple who is then inexplicably pregnant. He pointed out (in his very rational and most annoyingly correct way) that this money is kind of a once in a lifetime type all at once deal. Oh sure, we could save up this much money again… but to just have it handed to us all at once… this is probably going to be the only time. So he thinks, why not take advantage of it for what we want most… another baby. And I totally get that. I do. I see how he’s right. I see how that makes sense and is logical. And if I ever decided that I wanted to pursue adoption, I’d be pissed off at myself for rejecting this golden opportunity…. But it feels like the final nail in the coffin of my uterus.

I’ve always said I would love to adopt… but I always assumed we wouldn’t consider it until we were sure we were done with having kids via my body. I don’t know how I could handle TTC and jumping all the hoops to complete an adoption… all at the same time!!! So it seems like a one or the other to me. I’m probably wrong. But I just had always imagined that we’d turn to adoption once I passed any reasonable chance at more babies. You know, I’m 37 right now and my baby is 2 years old. So if we went another 3 years without a baby, I’d be severely tempted to start looking. But within 2 years of a baby, and before the age of 40? It just seems like we’re giving up hope before we “need” to. Of course, we are pretty close to that anyway. Do I really pass up this opportunity? 

I know we could save the money and then use it/decide later… but I’m just here sorting out feelings right now. I have so many emotions and questions and worries. Just to be entertaining the possibility right now makes TTC seem more of an impossible dream than it ever has before.I was comparing my hand to my 2 year old little girl’s hand tonight and kept thinking to myself “bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh.” Even if I were super fertile and could have all the babies that I want, I would still consider adoption once I was “done” just because there are so many children who need homes. And not just babies, but children. I would love to help them and give them the love they need and deserve. But I’m just not ready to give up on my own babies yet. There’s something inside me that is just screaming in sadness and grief at the thought of adoption…. because it wouldn’t be adoption just because we wanted adoption, it would be adoption because I couldn’t bring anymore babies into this world. This would be the end of trying. The end of my dreams of having another precious baby listening to my heart beat from the inside.  

I told my husband that I would think about it and pray about it. He is a very good and wise man. He really is. He understands and sees things long before I even consider them. He is the one who brought up homeschooling when I had never even considered it. And look where we are now. It’s amazing and wonderful. Maybe this will be the same way. I’m trying to give it a chance. I guess I feel like I just have to “grieve” the loss of any future children that come from me. Grieve the loss of my womanhood, the loss of my ability to even try for another baby. Let me cry about it for a while… then I’ll get around to thinking rationally and praying for guidance.


4 thoughts on “So Unsure

  1. I’ve had similar feelings towards my husband’s inclination to adopt. What I keep coming back to is that if it really is “impossible,” a couple years from now I’ll wish we’d started the process today. I don’t know, that’s my thought, since it’s a long process. Hang in there — you’ll know what to do when the time is right!

  2. Grieve is the right word there. The biological need to have our own flesh and blood children is so strong for a divine reason. I’ve tried to explain it to my husband before and he just didn’t get it. To my friends that have adopted and waited 6+ years to get their babies. I know that they felt that they were their true flesh and blood, even if the baby grew in someone else’s body. On the lds adoption services one of the questions they have on the “Is adoption right for us section?” Is: ” Are you ready to let go of the idea of having children through pregnancy?” It is something that you have to grieve and that takes time. I hope you get answers to your prayers and peace in your heart.

  3. I am so sorry you have been sick. I hope you get well soon.

    As far as the adoption, wow that is a major decision to make. It is hard to stop TTC. 37 is still young and you never know that you may be able to have another child. After all you have two biological children. Like you said this is going to take a lot of prayers and sorting out your feeling. Don’t rush, take your time. I hope you reach a decision that will give you some peace in the matter.

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