So of course, of effing course, I let myself get excited… just a little… beyond all reason and all hope. My nausea was just too bad and wouldn’t go away. I was cramping and no period. I’ve been peeing like a blooming race horse for days. On and on. I could write a book on early pregnancy symptoms… that I have EVERY bleeping month.
By the time I was so nauseated that I couldn’t even eat more than 3 bites of dinner (a usual favorite) I was just ready to go to the store and buy a stupid test. Just go and MAYBE it will be good… but just let’s have some sanity around here psycho, take the test and have some peace of mind. But hubby, being far more rational than I, said no… it’s stupid to go and buy one when you KNOW you’re just going to start late, look at your chart, there’s no way you’re pregnant. Cue full breakdown mode. Weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth… You just don’t understand!!!
Staying up late, desperate for some sort of validation… some shred of hope… taking online pregnancy tests, which I know all the right answers to anyway, and then literally tearing up because they say I should test… one even said “newsflash, you’re probably pregnant.” It was like angels singing! I decided to hold my pee all morning until I could get to a store and come back and take the test and be completely miraculously pregnant….
Went to the bathroom before crawling into bed… and there it is… AF… of course. What is wrong with me? I mean really… Everyone else can see it. Everyone else knows this will only end badly… every.single.time. Why can’t I just give up already. I’m well past my prime. Please help me to give up on this already! It’s not going to happen and I’m only torturing myself. Seriously hating myself right now. And only barely holding back words that begin with f…