Just Thinking…

So I used to be all healthy and active and stuff. I used to take on the world, and had energy and gusto to spare. I used to be super outgoing and crazy and hyper. I used to think that there was nothing I couldn’t tackle… and win. Then my thyroid started eating itself, eating my vocal chords (not a happy thing for a classically trained vocalist), attacking my heart, shutting down my adrenal function, and making me into a fat, tired, exhausted, and overwhelmed mommy.

It took several years and lots of different doctors, but I’m now functioning and living… rather than just surviving.  And I’m trying to decide where my boundaries are again. Clearly I am no longer so full of energy and drive that I feel as if I might explode with it… more like I might cry if I can’t get in bed by 9pm. But am I doing my full part?

I believe that the Lord gives all of us special talents and gifts, and He expects us to use them wisely. Am I using mine how I am supposed to be? Or am I using my illness as an excuse to not have to work so hard? How do I know where that line is? The line that says “here is where you need to be… this is enough work to be doing your part, but not so much that you end up in bed for a week.”  How do I know?

I can tell that I’m still getting better and becoming “myself” again, because I’m even thinking about this. I WANT to do more, but I don’t know how much I can do. I hate to commit to something just to back out due to “health problems.” Ugh. But I want to help people. I want to share light and hope. I want to serve and be the answer to someone’s prayer. I want to start doing more… but what to do, and how much to do, and what am I safe to “commit” to do… it feels so much “safer” to never commit and then just show up and help whenever I feel up to it.

I guess I’m afraid of pushing too hard and ending up back where I was again. I hated being that sick all the time. Hated it.

But I miss being me. I miss being part of something big, something that helps people, something that makes a real difference. I miss feeling the sense of satisfaction that only comes from successfully completing a difficult job. The view from the top of the mountain… will I ever be able to see it again? How far can I climb without falling…..

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One thought on “Just Thinking…

  1. It’s a tough line. But maybe it’s not about scaling to the top… Maybe it’s about just wrestling with this issue. We run this race set before us… And while we have an end goal, the only way to it is to travel the journey. Sometimes we need to take a stop and just focus on the next step in front of us, not the step 100 miles away.

    Start small. God knows your heart. Lord have mercy on us all!

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