Yeah, so…

It’s been a while. I wasn’t sure if I would ever blog again actually. But at this point, I’m looking for someone to talk to, and I don’t want to go to therapy. Mainly I just need to say it out loud… I’ve just finished having my second miscarriage of this year.

Yes, I just had a baby in March. But because of my history with infertility, we never try “not to” get pregnant. I mean we haven’t been trying to get pregnant either, just sort of , whatever because honestly, what are the chances, right? Yeah, well end of June got pregnant, and lost it within a week of finding out. I was sad, but I was “okay.” I mean, I wasn’t ready for another baby. I mean, I’d take another baby any time… I can’t be picky!!! I’d love some time in between them, but if it means missing out on a baby, then I’ll choose extra sleepless nights any day. But it was really mixed emotions. I was sad, but I was also slightly relieved, they would’ve been almost exactly a year apart.

But it brought up thoughts and feelings that I thought I would at least not have to worry about for a while. And I tried to ignore all of it. And then I got pregnant again, and again lost it at about 5 weeks along. I’m almost done bleeding. So, yeah.

I don’t think I’m depressed. I am definitely in a funk. I am tired and emotional and confused and just generally not “fun to be around” right now. I’m trying to shake it. None of it feels real, and yet it is always there pressing down on me.

I have some good friends, but I just don’t want to talk about it because it’s hard to explain and I don’t know exactly how I feel about it or what I want or what would make me feel better. So mainly I want to stay in bed and read… but I can’t because I have 3 amazing, miraculous children whom I homeschool. So, relaxing and staying in bed is a fantasy. But still, if I thought I could do “something,” that’s what I’d choose.

Maybe some extra sleep, some extra chocolate, and wait for my hormones to even out again… maybe then I’ll be able to figure it all out.


Pictures… for a limited time only

So I’m posting a picture here of the baby, but we’ve decided as a family to keep all of our kids’ pictures private. So I’ll post it so you can see, but I’ll delete it within a few days. So I hope everyone gets to actually see it before I take it down again. Just too many creepy stories on the news about creepy nasty people taking advantage of innocent children and their pictures.

So this is Oliver! 9 pounds and 4 ounces; 21 inches long.

The surgery was by far the best one for me. I mean, being cut in half is never a fun prospect, but I didn’t have any of the normal complications I tend to get with it. They even let me go home from the hospital 2 days early! Woot!

He is an extremely good baby. He sleeps well… I mean, he sleeps well considering he’s a newborn. LOL. He only cries when he’s hungry, which is about every hour or two. He loves to be held and snuggled. He does have a touch of reflux, so holding him upright after he finishes eating is a necessity if you want to avoid lots of spit up and crying. But really, who can complain about getting to hold their baby a little more? ๐Ÿ™‚

My milk came in unexpectedly the day after I got home from the hospital. I’ve never had milk come in on its own before. I only make a couple ounces a day, but I pump it and give it to him anyway. I mean, something is better than nothing. He’s growing well. At 4 days old, he had officially outgrown all of the newborn sized outfits we had. LOL. We have his 2 week appointment today and I’m anxious to find out how much he’s actually grown already, because it seems like he’s grown so much already. Stay little baby!!! He’s already growing too fast.

Big brother and big sister are over the moon happy and in love with the little guy. The good thing about being open with your children about your infertility, is that they really appreciate the miracle of a baby, and are honestly excited and feel blessed to finally have a new baby added to the family. They love to “help” mommy with anything baby related, love to hug and kiss and hold him… we just have to supervise them really close to make sure they are gentle enough. They get so excited that they hug him just a little too hard. LOL.

In all, everything went well and was ideal. I feel so blessed and it has been such a joyful time for us. I am grateful.

The only hiccup was that my doctor said my uterus is starting to thin quite a bit at the incision site. That makes it dangerous to try for more children because the uterus can rupture, and if that happens you have less than a minute to do emergency surgery before mommy and baby both die. (I’ve had it happen to a couple friends of mine, so it scares me a bit.) The doctor said he’d “allow” me to try for one more baby, but he “wouldn’t be excited about it.” LOL. Um, I’m not sure exactly what that means. I guess that it is thin enough that he’d be cautious about it, but not so thin that it would definitely rupture? But it kind of breaks my heart a little. I mean, I don’t even know if I will ever be able to get pregnant again. I turn 40 in 2 months and I’ve struggled with infertility for more than 10 years, and only have 3 kids (and a few miscarriages) to show for it. So I realize it might be a moot point anyway… but I don’t want to give up hope and stop trying… not ever. LOL. I guess I’m going to have to make my peace with it. I’m sure we’ll try for the “one more” that he’ll allow. If we can get that one safely here, then I’m sure we’ll stop. But it breaks my heart to even think of that. So I just won’t think about it until it happens. ๐Ÿ™‚ Right now I’ll just snuggle this beautiful, amazing miracle baby and bask in the joy of having him here safely with us.

Blessings to all.


Well we’ve made it… almost. The c-section is tomorrow morning and we are ready and excited! I keep hearing that weird guy from Star Wars saying, “almost there… just a little further.”

As hard as this pregnancy has been, I am so immensely grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant again and have another baby! It has truly been a miracle. I’m glad it’s over, because the baby is the whole point, but it has been a blessing and I’m a little sad to see it end. Not as sad as I’d be to have to remain pregnant for another week because I’m in agony! LOL. But it is making me feel a bit sentimental to be at the end here.

But I am beyond ready to meet and snuggle this little baby boy! Tomorrow can’t come fast enough! ๐Ÿ™‚

Obligatory Psychosis

Am I the only woman who goes completely bat crap crazy during the 9th month of pregnancy? It can’t just be me.

Listen, I deal with infertility and loss, so being pregnant is the most cherished and wonderful time ever. I love being pregnant! I try to enjoy every minute of it, and I feel like I will NEVER get tired of it. 6 months of morning sickness sucks, but I feel grateful and happy inside because it means things are going well. When it leaves I have 2 months of pure bliss! Feeling the baby move with minimal other symptoms, and I feel like I could be pregnant forever and just enjoy it… and then one magical day my will breaks and I go completely freaking nuts.

We are talking weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth here. Suddenly I feel like if I don’t go into labor, like yesterday!!!, then I will lose my ever loving mind and perhaps commit some felony or maybe run screaming and crying from the room, for sure I’ll lose all my friends if I go out in public because I can feel the crazy rising inside me and nobody should have to put up with this level of hormones in someone else. What I’d really like to do is stay in bed for the rest of the pregnancy and just hide from the world, hide from all the drama, hide from everyone, and hide from all the normal grind of just surviving.

I think it hits when I get to the point of discomfort that I can only manage about an hour of sleep at a time. The constant lack of sleep and the painful hips, pelvis, and previously broken (and now throbbing) tailbone… they combine and mount up on me, and I feel like if I can’t find relief from them I might explode… or cry a lot. Maybe scream at an innocent bystander.

I was sobbing (literally) to my husband about it this week, and he said encouragingly “but you’re ALMOST there, you can make it!” Bless his heart. I almost stabbed him. “YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL!” *sigh* Oh the poor man. Now he just smiles sympathetically and nods, every once in a while he’ll dare to say, “I’m sorry it’s so hard.” I can’t say I blame him. I am a complete mess and totally crazy. ย Just yesterday I went to the grocery store, and had to sit in the car for a full 10 minutes before going in because I started crying my eyes out *for NO reason whatsoever*… I just couldn’t help it. Bad, ugly cry, with heaving breaths… no warning, no reason, no idea… just crazy.

37 weeks down. Just under 3 weeks to go… hopefully sooner if I go into labor… PLEASE let it be sooner!… But 3 weeks… I can make it 3 weeks… right? C-section scheduled for March 2nd, so for sure by then. I’d ask you to pray for me, but honestly the people who have to deal with me are more in need of your prayers at this time. Please protect them and help them to forgive and forget the psycho…


So I’m 32 weeks now and about 2 weeks ago I noticed that the baby “dropped.” I was slightly concerned, for about 2 minutes, because I’ve never had a baby drop this early but figured it was fine. I can feel his head (well, I’m assuming it’s his head) pushing against my pubic bone constantly, lots of weight/pressure in my pelvic floor, and lots of pressure against my sacrum. Honestly, I’m just glad that my heartburn has eased up a bit because it was no joke.

But I saw the doctor yesterday. Well, I saw the nurse. The doctor was on an emergency call when I got there and I didn’t want to reschedule, so I saw the nurse. She’s super nice, but I guess I don’t trust her opinion as much as I do his… is that rude? I like her and I’m sure she knows her job, it’s just… I don’t know.

Anyway she noticed I had dropped and was concerned… well concerned is too strong of a word for it. I guess it can indicate labor coming soon, but doesn’t have to mean that. But she was slightly concerned that I have dropped so early and that his head is somewhat engaged already. I guess the head in the hole is the bigger issue here? Anyway she said that they’d need to watch me more closely to make sure I didn’t go into pre-term labor. Um, what? I’m not freaking out, but I really don’t like those words. And she said she’d need to talk to the doctor about it and see if he had any restrictions or recommendations.

So, is this something I actually need to be concerned about? I honestly thought it was no big deal to drop. Maybe it’s the head position though. I don’t know. I couldn’t think of anything to say or ask her at the time. Again, I’m not freaking out. I don’t actually think anything is going to happen, but I am a bit more anxious now and aware of every twinge and contraction. I get lots of Braxton Hicks, so now I’m starting to wonder if I should pay more attention to them and try to get them to stop when they start.

I see the doctor again in 2 weeks. Hopefully he’ll actually be there this time and will be able to tell me how much I should be concerned about it. For now, I’m just anxious enough to kick my nesting into high gear. I’m half way through my list of freezer meals to make, because I don’t want to live on fast food after the baby arrives. I have almost all of my baby stuff here and sort of organized… remember we gave everything away last year after the miscarriage and failed fertility treatments, so we had to buy everything new again. I have the crib bedding 90% sewn and ready. Really after this weekend, we’ll be close enough that if baby came we’d be ready. Of course he can’t come this early, or he’d be in NICU… so really, don’t come early baby. ย But the point is, I’m using the extra anxiety to get crap done. And I guess that’s a good thing.

Long, Hard Month

Well, tomorrow is Christmas Eve. One good thing about this past month is that I feel Christmas in a completely different way this year. All of the glitz and ephemeral superficiality is just not even there for me. I am more aware of and grateful for my Savior and His life this Christmas than ever before. I mean, I am always aware and always try to make that the focus of Christmas, but this year is just different.

In the past month we’ve had 4 family deaths… extended family (2 cousins and 2 uncles) and they were ill and it wasn’t entirely unexpected, and was even somewhat of a “relief” for them to end their suffering. But it still sucks you know. Also my father in law is terminal with liver failure. No idea how long he has, but he’s not doing well. And then last week my close friend of almost 15 years very unexpectedly lost her husband to suicide. I almost can’t even type those words. It has been so hard.

When I went to the funeral and saw her, my heart just completely shattered. You could literally see the lines of stress and grief on her face, as if she had aged 10 years in those 5 days… as if her tears were so heavily laden with grief that they etched sorrow permanently into her beautiful face. She has such grace and strength, but I could feel her just needing to collapse into grief. I wish so desperately that there were something I could do that would actually help her. But really there isn’t much. Just being there, and although that’s the “best” and indeed the only thing to do, it still just doesn’t feel like enough.

So Christmas this year is just completely different than it’s ever been before.

Other than that, I have a chest cold again, for the 3rd time this pregnancy. I’ve had about a week of feeling decent since my last cold turned into bronchitis and the antibiotics finally kicked it out. So I’m sick and exhausted and emotional… and it’s Christmas and we’re hosting and I just can’t do it. I mean, I’ll do it because they have nowhere else to go, but I’m talking bare minimum here. I just don’t have it in me. Whatever gets done, or doesn’t get done, will just have to be good enough.

Anyway, that’s about it. A dismal update but it’s what’s going on. I hope that all of you are having more joy in your Christmas. But no matter what, I pray that the peace of our Savior will encompass you and give you hope and life in the midst of winter.


So everything is going well. Baby O is getting stronger every day and kicking harder and harder. So amazing to feel that again!!! I have my diabetic screening next appointment, blergh that stuff is nasty. I’m severely anemic (as usual) and having all the usual symptoms from that, so upping my iron and it’s helping.

Our house has been hit by the cold/flu/crap. So we’re all just tired, sick, and cranky. Mainly we’re eating either soup or fast food and watching TV while sipping on various juices and cold medicines. LOL. It will pass soon enough. Also my house is a horrid mess, but I just don’t care enough to do anything about it. I just want to lie down on the couch and ooze.

My father in law is in liver failure and is pretty much terminal. Not sure how long he has. They’re still fighting and trying to get him healthy enough to qualify for a transplant, but I guess my hopes aren’t too high for that. He’s just going downhill so quickly. I mean, yes it could happen, but I think he’ll be leaving us sooner than later. I’m actually wondering if he’ll live to see the baby born. It’s been pretty stressful and emotional, but so far everyone is holding up okay… mainly because death isn’t ever discussed or considered, everyone is still trying to hold onto hope. And I get that, I totally do. I guess I just come from a different point of view. I don’t think death is the end, and I don’t think it’s the worst thing that can happen to you. And I don’t think it proves your faith to refuse to see what’s right in front of you. Anyway, we’re all trying to pull together and help wherever we can, but it’s a bit difficult and stressful and emotional.

Homeschool is going really well. We’ve finally gotten into a nice groove this year. My son is well ahead of his friends who go to public school, and other than this week (where we’ve quarantined ourselves for fear of spreading this nastiness around) the kids are having more friend time than ever before. So everything is good that way.

Oh and we still need to decorate for Christmas. Sounds so exhausting! Maybe when we get over the crud, and get the house cleaned, then we’ll look into decorations. ๐Ÿ™‚