Just Want To Help

I have a close friend, we’ve been friends for over 20 years. Her husband was army. He was at the burn pits in Iraq. He came home and suddenly had a super rare and aggressive cancer. There was a huge delay of diagnosis because his doctor at the VA was an idiot and kept saying it was “just allergies” until well after the cancer was literally pushing D’s eyeball out of its socket (not like falling out, but pushing out substantially) and disfiguring his entire face. He served several tours and came back with some pretty serious ptsd. When they found the cancer they made him retire because there’s nothing they can do about it. The oncologist is confident that the cancer was a result of the burn pits, because of the substances they were actually burning. But there is no proof.  The prognosis on this particular type of cancer is an 80% survival rate at the 5 year mark. It has been 4.  I don’t think he’s going to make it to 5.

This friend recently moved to within 5 minutes of my home. I am so grateful to be in her life, and close enough to actually help. But my heart just aches. They don’t have anything. Because of his ptsd and the cancer treatments (they actually removed pieces of his brain and radiation-ed other parts) he forgot to transfer his active duty life insurance over. The time limit is long past and there’s nothing she can do about it now. He has lost a lot of memory ability, and ability to understand things, and just all the stuff that goes with part of your brain being taken away because of tumors. At the time, they didn’t know how bad his brain was functioning so she thought he was doing it and didn’t check. They have 5 kids, 2 have special  needs. She’s been a stay at home mom for 20 years. No degree. Little to no family support. And since the army is denying the cancer came from the burn pits, they will get almost nothing when he passes. I don’t even know if she’ll continue to receive his “paycheck” or whatever it’s called.

I want to help so badly but I just don’t know where to start. She came over today and just sobbed on my couch for a few hours. They just got the most recent CT, MRI, and biopsy results back… and it’s really bad news. Bad enough that they might be just cancelling the PET scan. He’s in constant pain and is barely functioning. She’s in no state to fight the army, and she’s scared of getting in with the wrong lawyers or whatever. Some doctors at the VA have encouraged her strongly to check into some aspects of tort law (??? no idea what that is, not sure if that’s how it’s spelled). But she doesn’t know where to start. And I don’t know anything about it at all.

I do have some friends at the VA here and I’ve talked to them, and they are going to get me the name and phone number of who they feel would be the best advocate for her. But I’m just wishing I could do so much more. I’m actually losing sleep over it. She’s like a sister, except way better because my family is crazy. She’s like a sister, how I imagine a sister “should” be like. She’s moving to get Power of Attorney because his memory and ability to think and understand are severely compromised. Oh ya’ll… I could just go on and on. I just wish I could take this away for her. But I do want to help. Any extra prayers you have to offer, please, they could use them.

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Decision

Okay, so I think I’ve decided to start blogging again… at least a little bit. And I think I’m mainly going to use my “other” blog. I will use this for intensely personal things that I don’t want spread around by thoughtless readers who know me in real life. So if you still follow this one, you’ll get the nitty gritty, and any updates that are too scary and personal to post in public. But most of my stuff will be at the old blog again.

fruit snacks and freezer jam dot blogspot dot com

Hope to see you there. 🙂

Debating

Obviously, I have stopped blogging entirely. It’s been a really nice break for me. But I am starting to consider picking it up again, but this time having more of a homeschooling slant to it. I love to be open and honest on here, and have it be about just everything I feel like talking about… more of a journal I guess… and if I opened it up again to be a bit more public, that would mean people who know me in real life would be able to see all of it again, and that has caused problems in the past. So I’m debating… should I pick it back up, and just deal with people who aren’t always supportive… or should I just let my blog go away indefinitely and move on with my life?  OR, I guess I could start to blog about homeschool on my old blog where everyone already knew where to find me. … but yeah, same problems there I guess. Not sure what I’m going to do…

Yeah, so…

It’s been a while. I wasn’t sure if I would ever blog again actually. But at this point, I’m looking for someone to talk to, and I don’t want to go to therapy. Mainly I just need to say it out loud… I’ve just finished having my second miscarriage of this year.

Yes, I just had a baby in March. But because of my history with infertility, we never try “not to” get pregnant. I mean we haven’t been trying to get pregnant either, just sort of , whatever because honestly, what are the chances, right? Yeah, well end of June got pregnant, and lost it within a week of finding out. I was sad, but I was “okay.” I mean, I wasn’t ready for another baby. I mean, I’d take another baby any time… I can’t be picky!!! I’d love some time in between them, but if it means missing out on a baby, then I’ll choose extra sleepless nights any day. But it was really mixed emotions. I was sad, but I was also slightly relieved, they would’ve been almost exactly a year apart.

But it brought up thoughts and feelings that I thought I would at least not have to worry about for a while. And I tried to ignore all of it. And then I got pregnant again, and again lost it at about 5 weeks along. I’m almost done bleeding. So, yeah.

I don’t think I’m depressed. I am definitely in a funk. I am tired and emotional and confused and just generally not “fun to be around” right now. I’m trying to shake it. None of it feels real, and yet it is always there pressing down on me.

I have some good friends, but I just don’t want to talk about it because it’s hard to explain and I don’t know exactly how I feel about it or what I want or what would make me feel better. So mainly I want to stay in bed and read… but I can’t because I have 3 amazing, miraculous children whom I homeschool. So, relaxing and staying in bed is a fantasy. But still, if I thought I could do “something,” that’s what I’d choose.

Maybe some extra sleep, some extra chocolate, and wait for my hormones to even out again… maybe then I’ll be able to figure it all out.

Pictures… for a limited time only

So I’m posting a picture here of the baby, but we’ve decided as a family to keep all of our kids’ pictures private. So I’ll post it so you can see, but I’ll delete it within a few days. So I hope everyone gets to actually see it before I take it down again. Just too many creepy stories on the news about creepy nasty people taking advantage of innocent children and their pictures.

So this is Oliver! 9 pounds and 4 ounces; 21 inches long.

The surgery was by far the best one for me. I mean, being cut in half is never a fun prospect, but I didn’t have any of the normal complications I tend to get with it. They even let me go home from the hospital 2 days early! Woot!

He is an extremely good baby. He sleeps well… I mean, he sleeps well considering he’s a newborn. LOL. He only cries when he’s hungry, which is about every hour or two. He loves to be held and snuggled. He does have a touch of reflux, so holding him upright after he finishes eating is a necessity if you want to avoid lots of spit up and crying. But really, who can complain about getting to hold their baby a little more? 🙂

My milk came in unexpectedly the day after I got home from the hospital. I’ve never had milk come in on its own before. I only make a couple ounces a day, but I pump it and give it to him anyway. I mean, something is better than nothing. He’s growing well. At 4 days old, he had officially outgrown all of the newborn sized outfits we had. LOL. We have his 2 week appointment today and I’m anxious to find out how much he’s actually grown already, because it seems like he’s grown so much already. Stay little baby!!! He’s already growing too fast.

Big brother and big sister are over the moon happy and in love with the little guy. The good thing about being open with your children about your infertility, is that they really appreciate the miracle of a baby, and are honestly excited and feel blessed to finally have a new baby added to the family. They love to “help” mommy with anything baby related, love to hug and kiss and hold him… we just have to supervise them really close to make sure they are gentle enough. They get so excited that they hug him just a little too hard. LOL.

In all, everything went well and was ideal. I feel so blessed and it has been such a joyful time for us. I am grateful.

The only hiccup was that my doctor said my uterus is starting to thin quite a bit at the incision site. That makes it dangerous to try for more children because the uterus can rupture, and if that happens you have less than a minute to do emergency surgery before mommy and baby both die. (I’ve had it happen to a couple friends of mine, so it scares me a bit.) The doctor said he’d “allow” me to try for one more baby, but he “wouldn’t be excited about it.” LOL. Um, I’m not sure exactly what that means. I guess that it is thin enough that he’d be cautious about it, but not so thin that it would definitely rupture? But it kind of breaks my heart a little. I mean, I don’t even know if I will ever be able to get pregnant again. I turn 40 in 2 months and I’ve struggled with infertility for more than 10 years, and only have 3 kids (and a few miscarriages) to show for it. So I realize it might be a moot point anyway… but I don’t want to give up hope and stop trying… not ever. LOL. I guess I’m going to have to make my peace with it. I’m sure we’ll try for the “one more” that he’ll allow. If we can get that one safely here, then I’m sure we’ll stop. But it breaks my heart to even think of that. So I just won’t think about it until it happens. 🙂 Right now I’ll just snuggle this beautiful, amazing miracle baby and bask in the joy of having him here safely with us.

Blessings to all.

Tomorrow!

Well we’ve made it… almost. The c-section is tomorrow morning and we are ready and excited! I keep hearing that weird guy from Star Wars saying, “almost there… just a little further.”

As hard as this pregnancy has been, I am so immensely grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant again and have another baby! It has truly been a miracle. I’m glad it’s over, because the baby is the whole point, but it has been a blessing and I’m a little sad to see it end. Not as sad as I’d be to have to remain pregnant for another week because I’m in agony! LOL. But it is making me feel a bit sentimental to be at the end here.

But I am beyond ready to meet and snuggle this little baby boy! Tomorrow can’t come fast enough! 🙂

Obligatory Psychosis

Am I the only woman who goes completely bat crap crazy during the 9th month of pregnancy? It can’t just be me.

Listen, I deal with infertility and loss, so being pregnant is the most cherished and wonderful time ever. I love being pregnant! I try to enjoy every minute of it, and I feel like I will NEVER get tired of it. 6 months of morning sickness sucks, but I feel grateful and happy inside because it means things are going well. When it leaves I have 2 months of pure bliss! Feeling the baby move with minimal other symptoms, and I feel like I could be pregnant forever and just enjoy it… and then one magical day my will breaks and I go completely freaking nuts.

We are talking weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth here. Suddenly I feel like if I don’t go into labor, like yesterday!!!, then I will lose my ever loving mind and perhaps commit some felony or maybe run screaming and crying from the room, for sure I’ll lose all my friends if I go out in public because I can feel the crazy rising inside me and nobody should have to put up with this level of hormones in someone else. What I’d really like to do is stay in bed for the rest of the pregnancy and just hide from the world, hide from all the drama, hide from everyone, and hide from all the normal grind of just surviving.

I think it hits when I get to the point of discomfort that I can only manage about an hour of sleep at a time. The constant lack of sleep and the painful hips, pelvis, and previously broken (and now throbbing) tailbone… they combine and mount up on me, and I feel like if I can’t find relief from them I might explode… or cry a lot. Maybe scream at an innocent bystander.

I was sobbing (literally) to my husband about it this week, and he said encouragingly “but you’re ALMOST there, you can make it!” Bless his heart. I almost stabbed him. “YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL!” *sigh* Oh the poor man. Now he just smiles sympathetically and nods, every once in a while he’ll dare to say, “I’m sorry it’s so hard.” I can’t say I blame him. I am a complete mess and totally crazy.  Just yesterday I went to the grocery store, and had to sit in the car for a full 10 minutes before going in because I started crying my eyes out *for NO reason whatsoever*… I just couldn’t help it. Bad, ugly cry, with heaving breaths… no warning, no reason, no idea… just crazy.

37 weeks down. Just under 3 weeks to go… hopefully sooner if I go into labor… PLEASE let it be sooner!… But 3 weeks… I can make it 3 weeks… right? C-section scheduled for March 2nd, so for sure by then. I’d ask you to pray for me, but honestly the people who have to deal with me are more in need of your prayers at this time. Please protect them and help them to forgive and forget the psycho…